


Inexorable

by mikachan



Series: Addiction [4]
Category: Kuroshitsuji | Black Butler
Genre: Angst, Bittersweet, But still angsty, But with good reason, Cannon Divergent, Cannon universe, Ciel POV, Closure, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Light BDSM, Light Dom/sub, M/M, Oops, REALLY BITTERSWEET, Smut, addiction series, can I, ciel is 25, ciel would disagree, especially the ending, i cant, i just can't let this go, infinite, kind of bondage/gagging with a tie..., like 8 pages of it, like only one chapter is hardcore smut, s o r r y, sebastian was an asshole, short fic, spillingashes, stands alone, time skip
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-26
Updated: 2017-02-23
Packaged: 2018-09-02 10:03:59
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 9,270
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8663188
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mikachan/pseuds/mikachan
Summary: The air was alive with insects, flitting about and landing to chew upon anchored wood.  They hummed busily within the thickened air, and I swatted one away from my thick, damp lashes.  The humidity within the air seemed to weigh them down slightly, governing them to move languidly as a snake would within tall grasses.  It unnerved me, and I let it be.| In which Sebastian Michaelis returns to him. | (You can read this without reading the rest of the series and still understand it, though I urge you to consider reading Infinite, as well.)





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> 'Through all of these occurrences, the air seemed alive and well with energy. It hung into the air with passionate abandon; eyes drawn to the back of my neck, mayflies’ antenna searching briskly for their prey. I could feel their soundless communication through the air, wondering why man could not learn to speak without words the way they could. A cicada sung, the sound clinging to tree bark and branches. There it stayed.'

The dew clung limitless to dark-petaled roses, sticking with abhorrent determinedness. I watched as it dripped down slowly onto the grass below it, destined to fall into puddles of soft, glassy ice. It was winter. The cold sunk into my bones, rendering me helpless to its embrace. It was a familiar feeling, one which held sentiments and promises blown away into the wind little more than ten years prior. I wrapped my coat tightly around myself; a weak attempt to stave away the frigid loneliness. I held onto my warm teacup, letting its steam wisp lazily into the air, condensing lightly upon the tip of my nose. The sky was dark and grey, the sun diluted and hazy as it shone weakly down upon the manor’s grounds. 

I was frightened of my own heart. It would beat slower each year, it seemed… since half of it had been stolen from me. It was apathy which consumed me now, and I fear that at long last I had begun to feel nothing in letting him go. I had begun to question what the content of a soul truly was. If it was the essence of one’s being, surely there would always be a part of me buried deep which he had undoubtedly created. Though lately I had begun to wonder if it was the deep longing which existed in each of us that crafted the soul into creation. 

Every born human has their own commodity of questions which exist only for them. We are the only ones who’s own questionable existence is the very thing that we exist to discover. I did not think that I had found my answer, yet… and I did not believe that I wished to any longer. I had been born anew since the day I had been granted freedom from my cage, and it was not in God’s will to free me. If I had an answer, I was sure it would have been bound to come from him… but he was gone now, and so I had decided long ago that I would cease my searching.

The wind kicked up slightly then, rousing me from my thoughts. Contentment dared to caress my sentiments, yet it did not quite seem to make it to my mind. I had become used to this, though… and so I let it come and go as I have all else. Nearing the age of twenty six, I had begun to realize the things which I had been held responsible for would not vanish. Elizabeth and I had been married six year prior, and after a year and a half of trying it had been decided that she was unable to bear children. I had wondered if this was because whatever divine creator had noticed who I was, and had decided that I would be unfit to raise someone deserving far better than me. I had been relieved to learn of this fault… though I had understood her disappointment regardless of my urges to explain to her that it was for the best, after all.

The sun dared to briefly peek out from behind a thick cloud, before returning to its hiding place amongst the thick fog and mist.

The air was alive with insects, flitting about and landing to chew upon anchored wood. They hummed busily within the thickened air, and I swatted one away from my thick, damp lashes. The humidity within the air seemed to weigh them down slightly, governing them to move languidly as a snake would within tall grasses. It unnerved me, and I let it be.

Through all of these occurrences, the air seemed alive and well with energy. It hung into the air with passionate abandon; eyes drawn to the back of my neck, mayflies’ antenna searching briskly for their prey. I could feel their soundless communication through the air, wondering why man could not learn to speak without words the way they could. A cicada sung, the sound clinging to tree bark and branches. There it stayed.

Something rustled in the grass behind the grotto, and I bothered not to glance back. I was sure it would be a small rat or mouse, scurrying about aimlessly in search of food. It would find none, here. My gaze settled across to the arching pines and willow tress, instead… lazily searching for something I had long known to be absent. I craved to see something alive… something that could speak or feel. 

Perhaps a deer, or a large, black crow.

I had decided long ago that I was lonely. I had forgotten what it had been like to feel fulfilled, and so I decided that I did not much care. I existed solely for the purpose of existing, yet I was convinced that it was not right, somehow. 

“Oh… what is it all for, anyways.”

It was not a question, and yet it warranted an unexpected reply all the same,

“Perhaps you are not meant to know.”

A familiar voice called, and I could actively feel the blood within my veins become cold and sour with dread… and hope. The hairs on the nape of my neck stood on end as I slowly raised from my seat, listening. I wondered if it had been a mistake… an unwary dream of mine summoned into reality by my softening brain. Yet it had undoubtedly been his voice.

I could hear the wind rustle again, and all was quieted.

I stayed standing for a long moment, scarcely breathing. I could feel my hands begin to shake, and when I finally turned around, there was nothing I could do to stop the hotness springing to my eyes… to stop my feet from moving towards him.

“Sebastian.“

My voice was shaking with need, something just short of relief washing over me. 

“Ciel.”

My arms quickly found the familiar precipice of his shoulders, my nose burying its self softly within the nape of his neck. His arms came around me tightly, pulling me closer to him… and he smelled the same. It was sickening. It was comforting. Disbelief prodded at me as I sobbed into him, pulling him ever closer. He sank to his knees, and I followed him clumsily, clinging to the man whom had long since become a forgotten dream.

“My Ciel.”

His voice was gravely and low, spoken straight into my ear… causing goosebumps to form over my skin. 

His skin was warm… his eyes a dark, cherry brown. He was changed, yet his soul remained the same. It was haunting and powerful, just short of human. It made him feel familiar, and yet somehow his intimidation had been multiplied tenfold. The familiar scent of winter… of cinnamon and clove wafted around me as I buried my nose into the crook of his neck, breathing heavily and eagerly. His hair was made of silk, sliding aimlessly against my fingers as I clutched at it out of some sick necessity… this horrible obsession.

His hands were restless, roaming.

Anger washed over me then, and I wretched myself away from him, tears still streaking my cold, pale face. He looked bewildered, until I struck him quite hard across the cheek, breath heavy and head light. When he righted himself, I caught a full glimpse of his face, and my heart seemed to miss a beat. He looked older, yet he was still beautiful all the same. He would have been aged thirty one or thirty two by now… and somehow that made the situation seem even more awful… reminding me of what I had missed. I said nothing for a while, waiting for what he might do next… and it was strange. He still looked at me the same, eyes aglow with something that should have remained inhuman in my eyes. 

His hand was wary when it came up to stroke along my flushed cheek, caressing the skin so softly that I could scarcely feel it. It took much of my strength not to lean into his touch, holding my tired and angry eyes steadily upon him. I gripped at his wrist.

“You left…”

I began, my voice becoming weak and frail suddenly,

“me.”

It became a whisper.

He nodded, shifting closer towards me as fragile as he would have approached a frightened child.

“I did.”

“Why?”

My grip tightened recklessly.

“I am dangerous.”

“The only danger of you has been your unpredictable absence, and your mindless need to protect someone from the very thing he needed.”

I continued,

“You are not dangerous enough.”

He stood then, holding out an ungloved hand to me. It was strange, seeing him dress so casually. I took his hand, and he pulled me up towards him. Even at this age, I barely reached his chin. The thought was humorous, and unnerving. 

“Not dangerous enough?”

He shifted closer to me.

“No. Not at all, I am afraid.”

I replied slowly and impishly.

He lit up with something else, then… and as he drew nearer to me, I could feel myself tense under his energy. His hands hovered over my waist, and I let them stay there until I felt my back press against the wall of the grotto, and they moved to hold me there. His touch was alight with fire, burning into me with an overwhelming heat. He leaned down, and the familiar touch of his lips lingered over my own, and I was the first to close the distance, tangling my hands within his hair as if it was the only talent I possessed.

Yes… this language, I could speak.

My eyebrows knitted together at the contact, a certain kind of lightness blooming deep within me.

“You- ab- solute- bastard.”

I whispered between kisses, pulling him closer under the frigid air. I could feel him smirk against me, and it was infuriating. His hands roamed along my hips and back, caressing the flesh he seemed to have missed. 

He must’ve known how I had been yearning for him.

His kisses burned with madness and with humanity. So fragile, yet they were thick with ardor. He pressed up against me, pushing my back flush to the wall. I gasped when his hand slipped down to my thigh, hiking it up to his waist and holding it there. I seemed to push against him, then… my resistance fueled by something buried deep, and it seemed to be longing for him.

Gripping his hair tightly, I pulled his lips from me. 

“Don’t you understand?”

I whispered,

“I needed you. I need you.”

More tears sprung to my eyes, and I recklessly blinked them away, voice beginning to crackle with softness and with grief,

“And now… you have the nerve-“

The feeling bubbled up into my lungs until I could not hold it there, and it expelled its self into a wracking sob… leaving me exposed and vulnerable before him once again. He dropped my leg from his side, coming to wrap his arms so tightly around me that I could scarcely breathe. His need to protect, I assumed, had stayed with him, and so I buried myself into the crook of his neck, knees weak beneath me as I clung to him.

“I-“

he began, until his voice seemed to die within his throat. His hands wound themselves into my hair, pulling me into him.

“I am sorry.”

His voice was quiet, barely a whisper taken away by the wind,

“Ciel.”

I clutched to him harder, then… my sobs becoming pregnant with suffering… and somehow, with the relief I had been craving.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Something glimmered under the shadow of his irises; like hawk wings kissing the plump atmosphere of clouds until, too thickly saturated with water, the bird returned to the earth. It was as if something within him was nearly shattered and almost, barely broken. I was not sure what that something was, but I knew that humanity had most undoubtedly given it to him, and I was ashamed… and apologetic. I blamed myself of putting it there.

“It’s been years!”

I pushed at him, shoving away his smothering warmness. 

“Years of this awful, pungent longing built up within me until it covered me as snow, and now I have been buried beneath it.”

I panted, blunted nails digging into the skin of my palms. I was standing before him as if this madness had finally decided to consume me whole. Part of me wondered if it already had.

My trembling hands seemed to magnetize to him, fisting in the cotton of his stark-white shirt, clutching to his collar at the nape of his neck. I drew myself closer to him, breath cold and lingering with his, which now felt warm against me. He was unfamiliar, yet some deep, buried cent of me knew him for what he was, and it pleaded with me to melt into those warm, honeyed eyes… that scorned, gentle expression with unending submission. Half of me longed to go willingly, yet the other half still remained restless and hungry… forever entwined within whatever he had become.

I shook him violently, voice strong yet brimful with years full of passionate abandon,

“Where were you? All this time… part of me thought you had died!”

Part of me had died.

“The time in which I am not near you is lengthless.”

My face twisted with lamentation, yet no more tears fell onto the pale coldness of my cheeks.

“Promise me…”

I said,

“promise me you will not leave me again.”

I did not know why I asked him this.

His hands came around to hold the small of my back, and I was sure my eyes bore straight into his and past that… occupied with my indisposed craving.

“I would crumble to dust.”

His eyes held a lust for something indescribable… as if he had finally realized that all rivers must finally wind into the comfort of the sea. Perhaps humanity had taught him something even demons cannot see.

He whispered softly, his breath ghosting along my stinging face,

“There is not an appellation in the world that I could say to justify my moments of madness… yet I am glad that they have come and gone as impossibly as I have.”

The silence that hung in the air when he finished speaking was palpable. It was as if we had both realized how much we had grown, and yet we were fundamentally unchanged. The sparkle within his eye still seemed to violently steal the air from out my lungs. 

His touch was still hewn from winter’s fire.

The impossibility of him was overwhelming. Sebastian was dead, and there would be no tincture nor spell in the world that could revive him. The man who stood before me was someone entirely new, and I could feel my heart shatter further with every beat of it until it became like powered sugar… willing and ready to be taken by the wind.

“Who are you?”

I murmured, hands unclenching softly and slowly falling away from him.

I wished that I could hate him.

I could not.

“What is it that you want?”

I drifted away from him, stepping back with the means to preserve my sanity.

“Your soul.”

My gaze flicked up from where they had fallen to the ground, focusing in on him indefinitely. 

“You cannot have it!”

I then took a step towards him, pushing him backwards with the palms of my trembling hands.

“You should have taken it when you had the chance… but instead, you let yourself become something horrible.”

“You are not horrible.”

“You are!” 

I harshly spat at him, eyes strong and flaring with fanaticism,

“And I am!”

The air stilled as I stepped back from him, and he approached me cautiously. As he came nearer to me, I could feel his warm breath upon my skin… his eyebrows knitted and aura demanding.

“There is nothing left of me to be desired… nothing here to salvage that you want.”

I whispered, voice shaking, hands yearning to touch… to feel. I spoke slowly, as if I feared disturbing the fragility of his closeness.

“I have become incurably empty.  That childhood innocence you once lusted after is now gone.”

I paused before finishing,

“No matter how minuscule it once was, you have broken it.”

Something glimmered under the shadow of his irises; like hawk wings kissing the plump atmosphere of clouds until, too thickly saturated with water, the bird returned to the earth. It was as if something within him was nearly shattered and almost, barely broken. I was not sure what that something was, but I knew that humanity had most undoubtedly given it to him, and I was ashamed… and apologetic. I blamed myself of putting it there.

I had ruined something beautiful and daring… something terrifying and formidable.

He leaned in closer to me, venturing to lay his lips across mine once more, and I wanted him to.

“Do not kiss me.

I commanded,

“You cannot kiss me.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Expect this fic to have shorter chapters than Infinite. Aesthetically my vision for this as a sequel is a bit different. I also don't think it will have such a definitive ending, and I don't think it will have many more than 5 or 6 chapters... 10 at the most - and that's being quite generous. I do think that this will be the end of the Addiction series, though. But the series as a whole is 100% not the last of my Kuro fanfics. I have a few more ideas brewing... so don't give up on me. I just felt that a brief sequel was necessary for my sanity... and quite possibly some of yours, as well. Thank you for reading, as always.
> 
> Mika


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You wish to hurt me.”
> 
> “I wish to revel in you until there is nothing left.”
> 
> Perhaps that is what I wanted.
> 
> “Yes.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my hope was to get this up by ciels birthday, but i didn't want to rush it and give you mediocre content. i tried to get it up asap, so i hope this will do.

HIs hands became fists as they fell to his sides. I saw his jaw clench… eyes flaring with undeniable desire. It chilled me deeply, and so I forced my gaze to dance away from him and onto the tops of the trees just beyond his shoulders. They swayed so softly with the wind, welcoming its sweet caress. I longed to be as free as they were… longed to cease to exist. Death wasn’t what I was searching for, but I wished to have never been… wanted to vanish from all memory and existence in an instant.

Perhaps I longed for him to guide me the way the wind did the trees.

“You have become unreachable. My touch does not alight you as it once did.”

“How can you say that with such certainty? How do you know beyond any doubt that I do not long to cling to you?”

He turned away from me, and it was cold.

“I suppose I do not.”

My body begged me to reach him, yet my mind had become a powerful fortress, unwilling and impenetrable. I chose instead to watch him walk away. I was sure he was to never turn back until he stopped a ways away from where we had once stood, diluted sunlight painting him grey and morbid. The grass around his fluttered mindlessly as he stood amongst it; a striking figure before a landscape of early winter. His hands unclenched, and he turned again to face me before looking up to a misty sky, welcoming its stark breezes into his hair… to ruffle the collar of his shirt.

He beckoned me then, an unblemished, ungloved hand reaching out towards me, and I found that I could not resist him. I strode slowly to him, taking his cold hand in mine, and it was unnerving… our bodies equal in a finite manifestation. 

“You do not know how badly I want you.”

I whispered as he pulled me to him gently, rocking me against his chest in a slow, caustic waltz. It was a dance not meant for other’s eyes… a dance without redemption nor expectation.

“I do. I want you all the same.”

“You do not.”

“You doubt my appetite.”

I shivered softly against him, eyebrows knitting together in frustration,

“But you would settle for a lesser me… one that has been without you for so long that he has melted into cold, hard wax.”

“Always so cynical, young one.”

That name… its familiarity surged within my chest with bright recognition and I pressed myself against him.

“Always so untouchable.”

I replied.

My arms tightened around his neck as his hands began to stroke up along my back bone in slow, agonizing trails. It felt wrong to accept him back so willingly… yet without him I felt like nothing, and I refused to let the emptiness linger. 

He slowed his swaying until it stopped, and we stood there for a moment, motionless and silent.

“Elizabeth will think it strange that you’ve returned. I’m sure they all will.”

I spoke into the skin of his neck, breath warm against the harsh winter.

“You’ve yet to give a valid excuse as to why you’ve decided to come home. I cannot seem to accept this as right.”

“When has anything involving me been right?”

“It all had been… it had been so right.”

I murmured, fingers scraping along his neck to feel their way into his untrimmed hair,

“You’ve absolutely no reason to be here. I cannot understand why you would willingly shackle yourself to me again.”

I pulled away, hands stilling lingering upon his shoulder… fingers laced around his hair.

“I am insane, Sebastian. I have become insane.”

“You are not insane. You are lonely.”

I tore completely away from him, wishing to touch and wishing to run.

“Then you should know that you have brought this loneliness upon me! You should have stayed away! Now you’ll be forced to watch me die again, and it will not be by your hand. You can do nothing to stop nor to slow it. Nothing.”

“I do not need to. You seem to have forgotten what I am.”

“I have not. That would be impossible. I am angry at it… angry at you.”

“You would blame me for all of this.”

“Yes.”

I paused, 

“I would blame you because without you I would have been dead. I would never have had to feel the ways that I do.”

“And you think those ways to be deplorable? You wish yourself dead? I must ask why you would paint me so maliciously, even if you aren’t far from truth.”

Somehow, I wished him gone again.

“Because it was through you that I was born anew. You lead me to believe that I was something beautiful… beautiful enough that you would worship me… touch me.”

I wanted to return to that touch, and never leave; to let it linger upon my skin until it burned through me and I would disappear.

“I wanted to die, Sebastian. I was somehow ready to die. I expected it, and my spirit would have forever forgiven you for taking it. It was how this would end… from the beginning we both knew this. And yet, you let me taint you. You allowed some crushing fantasy to overwhelm you, and just as I had accepted that you were my purpose to continue living, you were gone. I was left cold and bare in your wake.”

There was a moment of silence.

“You created something wild, and then you abandoned it without responsibility. You are responsible for my heart. All of it.”

My voice had become very quiet, and I was keenly aware this his gaze was on me… that his hands were fighting not to reach out and claim me the way they had before.

“An apology isn’t enough. It is insincere.”

“The only thing I know how to create with certainty is destruction, Ciel. You must know this.”

“I do.”

“Then let me say with finality that the way I know in which to love you is fast and hard and horrible. It is as fleeting as it is passionate, and it is loudly irreplaceable and angry. This I cannot change.”

“You wish to hurt me.”

“I wish to revel in you until there is nothing left.”

Perhaps that is what I wanted.

“Yes.”

He tugged me against him once more, and this time I was determined to stay there. I would consent to my submission. I would not allow him to so willingly steal it from me as he had in the past. It was pleasant all the same, but I refused to let any moment pass without purpose… without it being used to my own advantage. Though he was no longer fatal at his foundation, his sole being would never change, and for that, I was thankful.

I decided that I would not look past tomorrow.

He was lovely, and he was mine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ciel is mad about/with sebastian - pass it on


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Mmmm… did you touch yourself?”
> 
> I murmured, gripping at the bulge in the front of his pants… biting at my own lip,
> 
> “Did you imagine how you used to fuck me until I couldn’t think… couldn’t breathe?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> somehow this turned really kinky???? idk I'm into it

My wrists in his hands, I was only keenly aware of the hard wall against my back… of the way his breath met my own as he rocked his thigh against me. Panting into the cool, empty air of the hallway, I held back each little sigh and moan which threatened to escape me. He had led me quietly up the stairs as if his body remembered this place… as if he had never left. The servants were in the kitchen, Elizabeth was in the study. None of them knew of Sebastian’s resurgence, and I intended to keep it that way until I had a valid excuse, and he had rid me of this incessant desire which had welled within me since the day he left. 

I had longed for this touch for so long it was sickening. I wanted it so infuriatingly I was nearly ashamed… but not enough so to withhold from the ambrosia of his kiss any longer. I struggled against his tight, infuriating grip just long enough to agitate him, and he pushed me further into the wall. I smirked slowly. I supposed he had a habit of trapping me places, much like a beast would revel in catching its prey, and it excited my senses, somehow… as if it was some ugly taste of that deceased part of him.

“N-No-“

I gasped as he bent to suck harshly at my throat.

“Elizabeth.”

He growled, pushing himself against me then, and taking my lips to his once more. He let me go, lifting me onto his hips, and I wrapped my legs around him instinctively. My arms came up to immediately wrap tightly around his shoulders, and I kissed playfully up behind his ear, muttering softly.

He found his way to my room, throwing open the door clumsily before closing it behind him and locking it firmly. I hopped down from his arms to grip at his lapel and pushed him against the door.

“Did you think about me?”

I pulled at his hair, grinding against him wantonly.

“When you were gone… did you think about me?”

“Every day… every night.”

He whispered, 

“I thought of you every minute.”

“Mmmm… did you touch yourself?”

I murmured, gripping at the bulge in the front of his pants… biting at my own lip,

“Did you imagine how you used to fuck me until I couldn’t think… couldn’t breathe?”

He snarled, grasping my waist tightly,

“You drive me mad, Ciel.”

“Hah-”

My breath hitched as he pushed me backwards. The backs of my knees hit the bed and I fell onto it, pulling him down over me.

“You didn’t answer my question, Sebastian.”

I taunted, wrapping my legs around his waist again. He leaned down lowly, breath ghosting over my ear and whispered, 

“You want to know? You want to know how badly I want you?”

“Mmhmm.”

“I would imagine your voice, your hips… how they would move over me with such ease.”

His fingertips trailed over my stomach and thighs… my arms and shoulders. 

“How you would writhe beneath me like the little whore you are.”

He growled lowly, speaking directly into my ear as he gripped at my thighs harshly.

“Ah- hah.”

I shuddered, moaning softly into his hair.

“You like that, don’t you?”

I nodded furiously, hips bucking against his own.

“Who do you belong to, Ciel?”

“You.”

I replied easily,

“Only you. I’m your whore.”

“That’s right.”

He whispered.

He owned me. Every inch of me had belonged to him since the beginning of this madness… perhaps even since before I had even known him. He kissed down my neck softly and carefully, gripping onto my hips… grinding into me gently. He ripped at my clothing, working quickly to unbutton my jacket, my vest… my shirt. He tore away at my tie and threw it to the side, taking all of my unbuttoned clothes off with it. He gazed down at me with an unnerving hunger as he began to unzip my trousers. He slid them off along with the rest of my clothing, leaving myself bare in front of him. 

“Beautiful.”

He muttered so quietly I could barely hear.

I wordlessly tugged at his collar, stumbling over the buttons of his shirt. He chuckled at me and I frowned, hands plunging into his hair as he undressed himself fluidly. I crawled up onto the bed wholly, fully exposing myself to him shamelessly. There was no time for it. He leaned down over me again to kiss me, and his hands carded themselves through my hair as he cradled my head gently.

“I want to satisfy every inch of you until there are tears running down that pretty face of yours and you beg me to stop.”

He whispered against my lips as he stroked along my inner thigh, and I could hardly contain myself, nails scratching at his ears and scalp and eyes fluttering into the back of their sockets.

“Ahh-“

“Shh…”

he hushed me, clamping his hand around my mouth, leaning down to mumble smoothly into my ear, 

“they mustn’t hear, now can they?”

I shook my head, eyes clamped shut and brows knitted together with anticipation.

“Good.”

He praised, taking his had away to kiss down to my abdomen, tongue darting out to lick at my skin languidly. His kiss was as fire… hot and fast and rampant; impossible to control. I found that we were so engrossed within the other that it was bordering on an illness. I found the fact comforting, somehow… as if I were a soldier coming home from the war with scars I knew that I shared with another. At least I was’t alone in my suffering… in my sickness.

He licked his way down to my hardness, and I was overcome with sensation as he took the tip into his mouth, sucking carefully. My hands knotted into the sheets as my head fell back in adoration, mouth hanging open in a silent sigh of relief.

“Plus… satisfaire.”

I murmured, 

“J’ai tellement besoin de toi.”

“Et vous recevrez.”

He replied fluently, gripping my hips.

He took the whole of me into his warm mouth, tongue laving at the underside of my cock in unbearable little licks. My hands found their way to his hair as I tried to thrust up into that wonderful heat, but his hands held me at his mercy… always at his mercy. 

“Nnh-“

I whined out as he sucked off my arousal to pepper kisses down the junction where hip met thigh, teasing his way down to my taint and back up again.

“You are wretched.”

I sighed, and he nibbled at my skin.

“That I am.”

His hands wandered down to hook under each knee, bending and spreading my legs farther apart.

“And so are you.”

Then he bent down to lick across my begging entrance, and I gasped aloud, clamping a hand over my mouth to silence whatever cry had threatened to surface.

“Mmm!”

He wasted no time in thrusting his hot tongue into me, kneading at the backs of my thighs as he did. He licked his way in and out of me, letting his jaw drop as he kissed messily over my entrance. I thrusted onto him lightly, one hand fisted in his hair… the other stuck between my teeth.

“Plus… plus!”

I begged for more, both hands sweeping down to scratch red hot lines into his shoulders. I could feel every inch of that tongue as it glided into me so softly, and it was maddening. It was too much. 

It wasn’t enough. 

It felt too good to pull him away, and yet my hands seemed to disobey me as they pushed at him reverently, feverish and frantic.

“N-No… don’t- hah! Stop! Stop!”

I shook my head against the white sheets, afraid of losing myself to that slicked tongue which teased me to my limit.

“Open me up, Sebastian.”

I panted as he let me go to kiss up around my left thigh. He flipped me over, my stomach pushing down into the mattress as he lifted my hips high, squeezing the flesh of my ass with his strong hands. 

“In the drawer.”

I instructed breathily, and I heard him move to pull a bottle of oil out from the bedside. There was a moment of silence before I felt one, smooth finger push its way inside me slowly, and I bit the sheet below me to muffle myself.

“Oh… look at that.”

He whispered onto the nape of my neck as it sunk into me fully and easily,

“Look how well you take me, still.”

He kissed my spine lightly, and I shivered.

“Lovely.”

I could feel his breath tickle the little hairs there as it ruffled them, could feel the weight of him pressing against my back… pressing into me. He crooked his finger, pulling it out slowly before pushing it back in, and I found my hips meeting each little thrust with ardor. I gripped onto the sheet below me, shuddering beneath him as he continued to whisper into the line of my hair… to suck gently at the baby soft skin, just light enough to leave it as stark as he found it.

He added another finger, and I could feel it sink into my body as easily as the first. I arched my back harshly, lifting my head just far enough to moan out some semblance of his name, lips bitten and wet with drool. He leaned down to kiss them slowly, slipping his tongue over my own in gentle little circles. I moaned into his mouth, jaw dropping and skin bubbling with goosebumps. 

When he pulled away, he withdrew his fingers from me. I whined unceremoniously into my clenched hand, forehead pressed once again into the sheet. I could hear him slicking his own hard cock somewhere in the back of my mind, and I panicked. I wanted to be able to see him when he came… wanted to taste the moan on his lips and the sweat on his jaw.

“Wait.”

I whispered quietly, 

“I want to see you.”

I could hear him shuffle closer to me as he lifted me easily, turning me around onto my back, and I was looking up at him with admiration, arms coming to slink around his neck as I felt him tease the tip of his cock against me.

“Mmm… please.”

He bit his lip.

“Sebastian.”

He looked down at me with lidded eyes as he finally sunk himself deep. I groaned, spreading my legs and pulling him in to me with my ankles. He had an iron grip on my thighs, pulling them in towards him with care. He was sheathed quickly to the hilt, the base of his hard cock grinding against me. 

“Ahahh!”

I gasped, canting my hips up to meet him. His eyes flared dangerously, and it only spurred me on further as I let out another little whimper.

“Am I going to have to silence my sweet little lamb? Hmm?”

He asked softly, eyes burning with something both infuriating and reassuring.

I licked my lips as he began to thrust shallowly, worrying my bottom lip between my teeth.

“I- haa! Y-you-”

I could form a sentence neither with my lips nor with my mind… I was too clouded with searing, pulsing pleasure. He gripped so furiously at my hips that I feared they might bruise, and it was a terrifying thought; as dreadful as it was invigorating. I urged him on with the soft sounds I could not stop from escaping me, until he started up a fast, brutal pace; driving into me with a force which nearly winded me.

“Ahhh!”

I nearly screamed, the feeling of friction up against my most sensitive places nearly foreign to me, now.

He brought a hand up to silence me, cupping it over my mouth harshly. My muffled cries dared to barely run free of their prison; hot breath condensing over his fingers… slicked teeth biting at the palm of his hand.

“Your voice is sweet, but I’m afraid that it is deadly.”

He grunted, his pace slowing to grind deeply into my overwhelmed body. I could feel every inch of him as he angled himself to press against that bundle of nerves which lied too deep for anyone else to reach but him. I panted hotly beneath his hand, nostrils flaring with the effort my lungs took to take in the hot, heavy air.

I arched under him, one hand coming up to grip at the wrist holding me silent, the other staying fast upon the flesh of his shoulder to claw harshly at him. He pushed into me with abandon, and it was nearly too much. He was pushing me over the edge quickly and roughly. I moaned loudly beneath him, and every breath seemed to come out in a gasp… ribs expanding excessively with every little whine and sigh. I could feel my end approaching, and I tapped his wrist in warning, eyes scrunching shut.

“Mmm… not yet.”

He sighed, pulling out of me unmercifully.

He let me go to pull me up against him, and he kissed me roughly. It was gratefully returned as my hands crept around his shoulders. He lay down, breaking the tumultuous kiss to pull me up atop him as I let my orgasm sink back into my bones… let my breathing calm even as I was unable to speak or barely think. It was just enough time to let me sit myself atop his cock before he pulled me down onto him hard. He reached across the bed as I tried to stifle the wanton moan which shuddered out of me, grabbing my discarded tie. He pushed two fingers into my mouth before positioning the silk fabric against my tongue, in between my teeth. I closed my eyes and let him tie it securely around my head. No consent was necessary as I easily submit to his control… eager to let his domineering attitude overwhelm me. 

His breath was like wind across my skin as he shifted within in me to tug tightly at the knot.

I whined breathlessly, hands laving over his chest as he lay back once more, grasping my hips to start them moving over his own. I spread my legs, beginning to move up and down onto his length… riding him teasingly slow.

“You little vixen.”

He purred, thrusting up into me, and I nearly lost it.

I quickened my pace, attempting to drive him over the edge.

“Yes, just like that.”

He let his head fall back, and I whimpered softly as he began to meet every thrust with one of his own… slamming my hips down to meet him. 

My breath quickened again, and I felt my stomach fill with intense heat each time he pulled my flesh along his length. I opened my eyes to stare intently into his, tears beginning to form within my irises. his hair cascaded down onto his shoulders, and I noticed that it was longer than before… though still silky and smooth as the last time I had felt it. I could feel my cheeks heating with blush as I silently tried to convey to him how lost I was becoming… how exhaustion had begun to take over as I let him manipulate my body how he pleased.

It felt so good.

He felt so good, and I could barely contain myself. I could barely breathe… barely think or see or feel anything but him. Nothing else existed, and I realized that no other being could ever make me loose control the way he did. No one else could ever look at me the way he was as I fucked myself onto him… as the world melted away into something grotesque in comparison.

He nodded once.

“Come.”

I did, back arching violently as I came hard onto his cock, hips circling as I rode out the most intense orgasm I had experienced since the last time he had been inside me. His eyes widened as I struggled to keep my eyelids from closing. They fluttered wispily as I tried to mutter some sick, twisted version of his name. Like a chant, I mumbled it over and over again through my makeshift gag, gasping for air as spit collected on my chin to drip down onto the mess I had made of his chest, and he came suddenly… filling me up without warning as his grip kept me firmly held against his thighs; his cock firmly held within me.

I had not the energy to remove the tie, and so he pulled it down from my mouth before his gentle hands came up to softly coax the muscles of my jaw into relaxation. My eyes lidded lazily as I left myself seated on his softening length. 

“You make a mess of me.”

I whispered silently.

“And you me.”

He replied, lifting me off of him to step into the bathroom. He reemerged clean with a dampened cloth, which he used to gingerly wipe the cum and blood from my sweat soaked, sticky skin.

“It’s alright.”

I murmured when he looked at me with a somewhat apologetic look upon his face. He crooked an eyebrow at me before his face softened, and he leaned down to give me a slow, heavy kiss.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The French:
> 
> Ciel: more please   
> Ciel: I need you so much  
> Sebastian: and you shall receive   
> Ciel: more more


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “It was painful, was it not?”
> 
> He inquired, and I found that it was difficult to persuade an answer from me.
> 
> Pain had once been something beautiful to me.
> 
> “Yes.”
> 
> I replied,
> 
> “And no.”

The only thing which had ever been undoubtedly certain about Sebastian is that he had never wished to harm me. This had been horribly apparent in our earlier days, when it had been seen as a flaw by me… though I had begun to wonder if he had known all along that this was different. It was painful clear that it had been, now. We had made our way down to the parlor silently, wishing not to disturb the air around us. I leaned in towards him, seated on the edge of my seat as we spoke in hushed whispers, eyes alight with mischief and that feeling that had been missing from me for quite some time.

“One does not seem to appreciate his wealth until he is a poor man.”

“So you regret it, then?”

“No.”

He replied,

“I couldn’t bear to.”

I nodded shyly, deep in thought; mind swimming and aching with years worth of questioning my own sanity.

“I couldn’t bear to not.”

I said,

“If I had not held some semblance of resentment towards you, do you really think I would have cared one way or the other? I am nothing if not my anger.”

I finished as I sat back in my chair, hands clasped across my lap patiently.

The pit of uncertainty which rested within my stomach grew until I feared it would swallow me whole. Without guidelines, I feared that this unsolicited affair may become too wild… too free. It was hard enough to keep the string which tied us hidden from the servants while he had been here, but arriving unannounced before having lengthy time with the master would seem to strike curiosity in Lizzie.

“There is a weakness about you.”

He whispered, coming up to kneel by my chair, hands rested on my thigh… upon the soft curve of my cheek. 

“Part of me wishes you had ended me… if only so that I could not feel the fear which strikes me again and again, now.”

I murmured shakily, taking his hands in mine, stroking along his knuckles gently,

“I miss the horrid simplicity of my childhood, Sebastian… when I had known the world did not apply to me.”

I looked at him with an aching expression, somehow pleading with him for something even I misunderstood.

“It does now, and it frightens me.”

I could not imagine how he felt; being ripped apart piece by piece until he had become something base level and overwhelmingly sensitive… it must’ve been excruciating. I would always blame myself for killing that intense part of him… for picking him apart until he was the same as me; something I had always took shame in being.

“You long for it again; the way I once was.”

He said, and I could not agree nor dispute the statement.

“It was painful, was it not?”

He inquired, and I found that it was difficult to persuade an answer from me.

Pain had once been something beautiful to me.

“Yes.”

I replied,

“And no.”

He retreated back to his place, seated near to me yet just out of reach. It seemed to me that this had been the position he took most often, weather physically or metaphysically.

There was a long, heavy silence. It hung in the air as silk would hang around darkened windows, and yet somehow, it was comfortable. I imagined that it was the kind of silence that only we could bear to listen to… for it was one unique to us which we created years ago.

“What are we to do?”

I asked, defeat prominent within my quiet voice.

“You know you cannot stay.”

It pained me to utter this. My throat became tight and strained, and I desperately pushed down the familiar feeling of loss that I had become so accustomed to. He nodded solemnly, eyes softer than I had ever known them to be. He gestured me towards him, and I complied, taking his hand in mine… letting myself be led by him.

He seated me upon his lap, and I sighed shakily… hands snaking around his shoulders to feel for the toned hardness of his back. He came to hold me at the waist, and I sunk into him… thighs gripping at his hips as I pulled him closer to me.

“I have never been ashamed of any part of you.”

I whispered, and my breath agitated the little hairs by his ears.

“Not even the part which was evil? The part that was merciless and rough and angry… who would threaten to tear you apart piece by piece until there was nothing left but bones and ashes?”

He growled, and I shuddered into him, pressing myself deeper within his hold. It was clear that he had both delighted in his fury, and repelled it violently.

“I have no right to fear nor to disgust in that which I have cultivated.”

I pulled away to gaze fondly upon him.

“You have always been wise.”

Guilt somehow rose into my chest, clutching at my heart.

“A realist, maybe… but I could hardly call observance wisdom.”

“That in which you seem to behold as obvious, may not be plainly so.”

Just then, the sun peaked brightly into the window pane, casting a golden hue over everything it touched. It was setting, and the clouds welcomed its colors by diluting them across the sky in rivulets of pink and red and orange. I let my head fall to his shoulder, breathing in the warmth of him before I would be forced to send him off into the dusk, and be starved from it once more.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It was an empty sound.

“It’s time.”

He whispered against my neck, and I hung onto him for as long as I could muster. I dreaded him leaving again. Though I knew it wouldn’t be the last time I would see him, some carnal, pained part of me was shaken with the anxiety that he would be gone forever; just an illusion brought on by the wind, then taken easily back. I tampered the feeling, letting my arms slide away from his shoulder.

“I’ll call the servants. I’m sure they’ll want to see you.”

I stood reluctantly, fingertips grazing along the fabric of his shirt.

I crossed to the bell which hung from the wall, ringing it. 

It was an empty sound. 

I leaned a hand against the wall, forehead pressing into it. If only I could have been reincarnated differently this life, perhaps I could have loved him to my full ability. As it was, something was withheld and frightened. It seemed to whither each time I was forced to pull away from his warmth, and it cultivated a deep, empty gash within me that only he could feel… only he could touch. Only he could touch me.

I felt him lingering behind me, and so I turned to face both him and my fear alike. His resurgence was painful and difficult. It struck sentiments within me that had laid dormant for the quieter half of my life, and still there remained some itch inside me to repeal them. I wondered what would have happened if he had stayed lonely and absent… wondered still why he had chosen now to return to me. I concluded that it was no matter. He was here, flesh and bone and soft breath against my lips as he pulled me in for a chaste yet dangerous kiss which seemed to melt my bones and cremate my senses.

“Hm-“

I moaned into him, and as soon as he had touched me, it was gone.

“I refuse to regret from now until I die.”

He whispered.

“You said you had none.”

“It was not a lie, but I will not run the risk of making it one.”

“I see.”

I said breathlessly,

“Then promise me this…”

His eyes glared at me, eager and undefinable, and I clutched his hands in a desperate, meaningful embrace.

“promise me that you will not forget. Do not forget my wildness… my foolishness and my wisdom. Swear to me. Say that you’ll remember why you wanted me so recklessly back then. Even when I crumble away to dust you must keep that image sacred, for it is the only pure snapshot of the soul you once deemed to be beautiful.”

“You are still beautiful.”

“No, not like that I’m not.”

He caressed my cheek gently, seemingly pulling desolation from me. How he always seemed to manage this was beyond me, but I loved it just as I did each and every other piece of him.

Footsteps were heard down the hall, and so we parted. If left me longing for his touch again, a familiar feeling once believed to be lost from me.

“Young Master?”

I heard Finny’s voice.

“You called?”

Maylene echoed.

Bard followed them, silent and brooding as ever. As soon as Finny reached the doorway he stood frozen, causing Maylene to stumble and Bard to curse under his breath as he tripped over the maid. I shook my head. Impossible as always.

Finnegan’s eyes widened, and I could see glassy sentiment glistening within his eyes.

“Mister Sebastian… is it really you?”

Sebastian laughed, striding over to shake his hand with gusto. Finny looked stunned as he glanced back to a flushing Maylene.

“S-Sebastin! My goodness what in the world brings you back to this old place?”

She cried, an astonished grin plastering her face,

“And why in the hell did you leave in the first place?”

He laughed again, and I came to his side, a small smile daring to make its way across my features. I knew how much he meant to them. Even if he had liberated them out of duty, it was hard not to get attached to their characters.

“It was on account of personal affairs.”

“Well the young lord never told us that. He didn’t tell us anything, really… seemed awfully upset, though.”

Said Bard, shaking Sebastian’s hand roughly.

Sebastian glanced at me, and something untouchable glimmered within his eyes. 

I had withheld so much of me.

“What kind of personal affairs?”

Asked Maylene,

“Was it a lady? Oh, whoever she is she’s lucky to have you!”

The maid had always been hopelessly romantic. Everywhere she turned she fell in love with something new, and it was beautifully innocent… if not tragic.

“Something like that.”

He smiled politely.

“You’ll stay with us, won’t you?”

Sebastian shook his head.

“No, I’m afraid that would be improper for me to impose such a thing.”

“No! Mister Seba-“

“Finny.”

I warned gently, and he nodded, eyes cast to the floor.

“We understand.”


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I looked out into the billowing tress beyond the glassy window pane. they reminded me of my childhood, before I had abandoned them… when I would climb their trunks and hang from their branches, laughing gaily into warm, summer air.

“Where are you to go?”

I asked as we walked past the vast gardens.

“That is a question for another time.”

I stopped.

“So there will be another time?”

The sunset grew brighter behind him as he turned to me, eyes gazing into mine.

“As long as my heart is beating, and I am still capable of bleeding, I will always find a way back to you.”

He said, holding a hand out to me. I took it, and he pulled me to him.

“Wait.”

I reached into the pocket of my coat, withdrawing stark-white gloves from the place in which they had stayed for the many years he had been absent.

“I kept them with me.”

I pressed the cold, white fabric into his hands, and it somehow seemed that they belonged there.

“I think it is time I return them to you.”

I whispered.

His eyebrows furrowed lightly, fingers curling around the edges of the glove’s seams.

He looked at me with adoration as he pocketed them, some inexplicable impression glinting there that I had been faithful to something that he had given up hope on. I wished that he would regain that hope now… and return to me. A hand went up to caress along his pale cheek, brushing deep, black hair away and behind his ear. 

My eyes fluttered up to the sky, and found nothing there.

“Do you trust me?”

His voice was a whisper as he stepped closer, and intimate gesture of secrecy and longing. I was no longer so enamored with him as I had once been, that magic having faded with every breath I had taken away from him. It had been replaced with a new security… one that I almost found comfort in. 

I replied easily,

“Yes.”

His eyes widened, and across his face spread the most beautiful smile I had ever seen.

It glinted across his face with finality, and it was the brightest beacon I had seen in many years.

“Oh… Sebastian.”

I gasped, clutching that face within my hands, beaming up at him with unwavering adoration and intensity. His arms found the dip of my waist, and he pulled me to him, burying his nose into my hair, and I could feel his eyes closing against my neck as his long lashes brushed against my skin. 

I realized that I did not need him any longer. 

I trusted him to stay, and more importantly, I trusted myself to let him.

My arms came to clutch around his neck, and I leaned into him. I let him take on every stress and every weight I bared upon my slender shoulders. He lifted me easily, and I laughed hotly into the wind, throwing my head back in ardor. He spun me once before placing my feet back onto dry land, and I clutched to him, still. 

He kissed me reverently, passionately. 

I closed my eyes and let the feeling take me.

We parted with reluctance.

“Drained of blood, the heart is white.”

I whispered, hands cupping his face in a gentle caress,

“You have made mine a beating, bleeding red.”

It was a secret shared amongst the tall, shady trees and strengthening roses… taken by the breeze to be carried onto the next town or city, forever permitting time and space with its fidelity.

It was inexorable, and we were not.

The walls of the manor seemed so tall and yet so fragile as I stepped within them once again. Elizabeth scurried down the stairs to me, hope glittering across her features. He grasped my hands tightly into hers.

“Mister Sebastian came?”

Her eyes lit up, hope returning that perhaps I could bear to look her in the eyes. I held her back, tightly.

“Came, and went.”

I replied, a sad, gentle smile daring to play across my lips.

I looked out into the billowing tress beyond the glassy window pane. they reminded me of my childhood, before I had abandoned them… when I would climb their trunks and hang from their branches, laughing gaily into warm, summer air.

Fin.


End file.
